I wouldn’t go there

It takes me a long time to get ready and out of the house.  I take long showers, do my hair three different ways before I’m finally happy with the way it looks, and try to put together an outfit that doesn’t hug back fat or show cleavage.

That last one can take an hour in itself.

So sometimes I’m just not up to the challenge.  Sometimes I just want to put on a comfy pair of pajamas, sprawl out onto the sofa, and enter into a coma of laziness.

Most people think that as a stay at home mom, I get plenty of rest during the weekdays and weekends should be reserved for chores and activities.

Eff that shit.

This describes it for me.

vacation

Here’s a snippet of a conversation my husband and I had recently :

Hey, want to go out to Menard’s or Home Depot?

– No.

I noticed the boys’ room needs new blinds.  We could take a look and see what they have.

– I don’t want to. 

Apparently he thinks “no” means I’m playing hard to get.

But we could get new blinds for the whole house.

– I don’t care.  I like our house ugly.

What if the neighbors happen to look in and see you naked?

Send them your condolences.

That last question was just plain silly.  We have nice neighbors who pay way too much attention to their lawn and don’t really seem interested in a game of peek a boob.

Anyway, this past weekend I had to be productive, whether I wanted to or not, because my in laws were visiting.

And we had a wedding to attend.

And it was my mother in law’s birthday.

And my brother’s birthday.

And I had homework.

So on Friday I slept for a grand total of four and a half hours and got my ass up at the crack of Sheema, get up, your alarm has been going off for an hour already!

I washed, scrubbed, mopped, cleaned, dusted, vacuumed, swept, and cooked.  Every time I thought I could rest, I remembered something else that had to be done.

By the afternoon, I was all

a-mess

Then it was time to take my tired ass to the wedding.  By that point, I just didn’t care anymore.  I could’ve been sporting facial hair the size of a cat’s whiskers and I still wouldn’t do anything about it.

I put on the same thing I wore to the last wedding I attended, stuck a bobby pin in my hair, popped in some earrings and off we went.

And because I am tired of typing, here are some pictures.

That was our Friday.

Saturday we went to Lincoln Park Zoo, which meant five hours of constant walking.  Yay.

The day ended with a fabulous meal at a Mediterranean restaurant called Fatoush.  If you’re ever in the Chicago area, I highly recommend it.

Another thing I’d recommend if you visit Chicago : Don’t visit Lincoln Park Zoo.

Sure, they have great views, but apparently they decided it meant that they can short change on the animals.

The exhibits are small, the walking areas are cramped, and traffic/parking is a nightmare.

Everything got done over the weekend except for my homework, which I have been putting off in favor of the funner stuff in life.

Not that blogging is still fun.  I’m actually getting pretty bored of not for profit writing.

But it beats having to deal with political science  and anthropology.

At this rate, I will fail and remain education/degree less for the rest of my life.

I will be old and fat and working at Walmart until I die.

Oh well.  At least I have a plan.

I have converted from hateful comedianism

I used to be a Bill Maher fan.  I liked the way he approached his topics and discussions.  Without fear and with no attempts at being diplomatic.  He never seemed scared or intimidated by anything.

His body language was always of someone at ease, no matter what he was dealing with.  He once wowed me with his ability to get Ann Coulter to shut up.  I don’t know if you are familiar with the woman, but it’s quite the accomplishment.

Then this happened.  😯

What he said doesn’t surprise or shock me.  I’ve heard it all before.  He’s entitled to his views and opinions.  Whatever people want to believe is up to them.

I’m just disappointed that Maher generalized.  That’s such a Fox News thing to do.  I thought he was better than that.

And I have just one question.

When the hell did Muslims ever agree on an issue enough to classify it as the mainstream view? 

Muslims concurring?  That’s news to me.  That headline can definitely “break the internet.”  It’s got even more potential than Kim K’s giant oily ass.

We can’t even agree on when to celebrate our two holidays.  Yeah, just two.  The Islamic calendar runs according to the lunar cycle, so classic discussions about when to hold the occasion of Eid have been Is the moon visible?  Did <enter far off relative> in <enter farther off country> see it?  Was it hiding behind a tree?  It was?! 

In that case, I think I’ll celebrate it the day after my third cousin’s great uncle’s daughter in law’s granny does.  You know, just to be sure, in case Allah is watching and he gets mad that we missed the chance to argue over something. 

My husband no longer calls it moon sighting.  He says the correct term is now moon fighting.

Maher would like us to believe the majority of Muslims support the criminals that perpetrated the violence in France.  That the extremist view is the dominant view.  But what about the Muslim police officer that was one of the twelve victims?  And the Muslim employee at the Kosher deli?  What about Malala Yousafzai and her family?  Abdul Sattar Edhi?  Ahmed Aboutaleb?

Did these people just miss the memo or what?

As the actions of the crazy fucked up minority of the religion get more frequent, I am seeing more of the world calling for the peace loving ones of us to do something about it.  I think they see it as sort of like asking parents why the eff they don’t do something about their delinquent kids.  Except I don’t remember giving birth to evil monsters. Shudders.

That delivery would’ve been something.  Forget the birth. Just consider the episiotomy.

My cousin is more religious than I am.  She covers her hair and I don’t.  She doesn’t gossip and I do.  A lot.   She’s involved with social work and I’m not.  My contribution to the community is to keep my kids from fighting in public places.

We both follow the same book.  She interprets verses one way while I interpret them another.  I don’t say she’s right and she doesn’t say I’m wrong.  We are both free to practice the religion as we see fit.

I don’t understand, then, why we are to blame, apologize, or take responsibility for someone who doesn’t follow her version or my version but chooses to espouse his own evil, perverted version.  I fail to see what we have to do with that.  Or what Buddhists have to do with this.  Or Hindus have with this.

Say we followed the religion of shapes.  I liked circles and you liked squares.  And then some dumb ass mofo decides to bust out a triangle.  Do we give up our love of geometry?

Am I getting anywhere with this, or is my circle story pointless? 😆

It might be for whom nothing we say is enough.  We can condemn until the cows come home and make buttermilk.  We can preach nonviolence, hold interfaith gatherings, give interviews, but they’ll still insist “Maybe most Moslems peaceful, but until they recognize and destroy their growing jihadist cancer they must be held responsible.” 

Thanks, Rupert Murdoch.  How the hell did you get where you are if you can’t even spell Muslim? What else would you like for us peaceful Moslems to do?  Sit on the bombs ourselves?  I’m all for making the world a better place, but how do I do that with my ass falling off of me?

The majority of us are just people simply trying to live our lives.  I’m sure you don’t hear of us, though.  How could you?  “Muslim working, 9-5″ doesn’t make the news.  Muslim dropping kids off at daycare doesn’t either, nor does Muslim enjoying company sponsored free seafood buffet.  Muslim slowly realizing he’s allergic to shellfish might, though.

Before you know it, a whole lotta people are blamed for the actions of some.

That’s not to say Muslims or Islam is in any way near perfect.  Far from it.  We’ve got our problems, like any large, multiracial, and multicultural group would.

One complaint I always had was that Muslims should lighten up and be less judgmental of other Muslims.  The liberal use of the word haram, meaning sinful, is another.  Because haram is everywhere.

I’m haram.  You’re haram.  Is anyone out there not haram?  Come on, people, save the judging for Allah and the afterlife.

Yup, we’ve got issues all right.  And the fucked up, crazy minority is one of them.  Sad that only the stupid ones are heard and spoken about.  Such as this guy.

*Shaking my head in disbelief *

Forget sharing minute similarities of the same faith.  Right now I’m embarrassed to be part of their species.

When I was in middle school, I made the mistake of making fun of the religion of a couple of classmates that had been teasing me.  Yes, I went there.  I regretted it almost immediately, though, and apologized soon after.

I saw the bewilderment and hurt in their eyes at the insult to their god and their religious practices.  I decided  that that was a level I never wanted to stoop to ever again.  A person’s religion is beloved for him or her.  It’s their way of life.  And to ridicule something that important to someone else would truly be a callous thing to do.

In the words of Homer Simpson, “Jesus, Allah, Buddha! I love you all!”

But that’s just me and my way of doing things.  I can’t shove that opinion onto someone else.  If you want to draw cartoons, you should be able to draw cartoons, whether they offend people or not.

I remember watching a news special on the KKK once.  The African American mayor of a large city was in charge of and had to provide the security for the rally that the group intended to host that day.  And of course he didn’t agree with them in the least.  But it was their right.  And rights are and should be equal for all, bucktooth ignoramus included.

Getting our interfaith dialoguing on

photo 1photo 2

The Christmas tree our son wanted is now up in our living room!  It’s a cute little addition.  We know nothing about tree selection and yes, this is the one you saw on sale in your Big Lots catalog.  It gets the job done.  My kids are giddy with excitement and the little one wants to check the chimney to make sure Santa isn’t stuck up there.  The man has to be the only celebrated fat person on the planet.

Yesterday we went to see some lovely Christmas lights at a park near my husband’s office.  The only bad thing that happened was that we got honked at for a full two minutes by some jerk who apparently was going to shit his pants or have a reindeer crash land into his car.  I felt guilty about giving him the finger, in light of the holiday season and all, but come on mofo, get into the Christmas spirit.  Take the candy cane outta your ass.

Here’s to some more peace and harmony in the world.  And much less snow.  I know people like a white Christmas and all but I really really hate the stuff.  You can’t blame me because I live in Chicago, a beautiful city where a white Fourth of July is within the realm of possibility.  I’ll wrap it up here with a little joke about how Chicago has two seasons, winter and construction.  Thanks to the effects of global inequality we have now added corruption and violence.  You know what they say.  Come to Chicago for the fun and stay because you got shot.  I don’t know who says that but it’s pretty funny.  I love you, my frozen little icecap of a hometown.

What’s so terroristic about that?

*The why do I even bother, you know I swear too much, three out of six blog posts come with a warning disclaimer : why do I even bother, you know I swear too much, three out of six blog posts come with a warning.

I’ve been kind of bummed lately.  Not only am I facing a week filled with homework and finals, since the end of the semester is right around the corner, but my blog’s spam catcher tells me someone has used my Santa post on their site as anti Muslim propaganda.  Which totally confuses me.  If anything I thought Muslims would be offended by that post.  I can’t say I wasn’t expecting some ignorant shit, though, ever since ISI won’t even fucking finish that took the religion and mutated it to the point where even Professor X’s bald ass can’t help it much.  The painstakingly slow face lift of the Islamic faith was underway when these douches from where the eff did they come from, exactly? showed up and the patient flat lined on the operating table.

It’s the reason why I never wanted to put the fact out there.  I never wanted to mention that I was a Muslim (albeit not a very good one). I didn’t want to go through my blogging life donning a scarlet comment bubble.  I swear, I only looked at that guy twice and only one of those times was I thinking something dirty.  But it’s a part of who I am and I didn’t want to hide that either.

The mere mention of the M word makes me and the majority of the other billion followers automatically guilty by association of various types of crimes that not only would we never perpetrate, but recoil in horror from. Apparently anything I do, say, write, pick or fart is now considered suspect.  Even my gas might be poisonous.  The spammer has proven that by linking a simple, humorous Santa story to how Muslims like to invite abandoned little children into their gingerbread homes and eat them once they’re nice and fat.  Not literally, but I’m sure he could and some people wouldn’t even bat an eye lid.  I’m not that practicing, but even if I were a Muslim’s long lost uncle’s fifth cousin eight times removed to the negative tenth power times the square root of 9, I’d still be considered an enemy and a threat.

If it makes the spammer happy, there’s a good chance that I am going to hell.  Too.  You won’t find me in the I hated people based on their religion section because that’s just not how I roll, but more likely in the I slept through Fajr, watched TV during Zuhr, another episode was on during Asr, at Maghrib I ate dinner and for why I missed Isha, please refer to why I missed Fajr section.  Those are the five daily Muslim prayers, for those wondering what the eff ?   I might also be transferred to the I vomited after my first attempt at a 15 hour fast so I used it as an excuse and never fasted again area.  And let’s not forget that I can’t seem to form a sentence without sticking a four letter word in there somewhere, to the point where if I go to a job interview and the guy asks me So why are you here today?  I’m afraid I’ll answer because I want the money, mofo, and to be able to say ‘I earned this’, or else I’d still be sitting at home watching my ass grow while wearing a shirt that reads ‘I leech off my husband’ .

Great, now I’ve raised the ire of the hard cores.  A moderately liberal Muslim just can’t win these days.  We’re playing Red Rover with the ultra religious wacky and the go back to your country, towel head crowds and no one wants us to come over. 😦

Seriously, though, none of us has come off the assembly line with our factory settings firmly set to convert or kill.  Hand some ignorant dumb ass the chance to do something divinely grand with his life, while also setting up a fat 401k for the afterlife, cherry pick some religious verses on how this is what God wants you to do, really he does and you’ve got yourself Tom Cruise telling women thinking happy thoughts will make the postpartum depression go away. 

Dealing with ignorance is like talking to your senile great aunt while she’s eating creamed corn out of  a can and her dentures are falling out.  It’s a disease that starts by attacking and shutting off the parts of the human brain that control free thought and compassion.  I’d never be so arrogant enough to think that I know all there is to know about, well, pretty much anything, really, and I don’t understand how other people can.  Over a billion followers and you think those dumb fucks out in the sand dunes of where the eff did they come from exactly represent us?  Please.  Our PR department might be bad, but it’s not that bad.

I am a graduate of the school of humanity, with a concentration on a certain damn, they’ve messed it up beyond the point of recognition Abrahamic faith.  I can totally respect that there are a few billion people in the world and some of them believe the world will end in fire and some in ice, a la Robert Frost, and some think it’ll be when the Cubs win the world series again.  I personally believe that hell is actually Chicago traffic during rush hour, with a polar vortex style background, after the Bears have had their asses handed to them by the Packers and Cutler’s out for the season again.

In this corner, the jolly fat guy. In this corner, the other jolly fat guy.

My seven year old wants to celebrate Christmas.  He’d like a Christmas tree with the the works.  He insists on presents and stockings.  My husband remembers asking the same from his parents when he was that age.  I do too.  Christmas probably has the distinction of being the most beloved holiday for kids, because of this guy. santa-claus-clip-art-9izM4z6iE

What’s not to love about Santa?  He’s a fat old jolly dude that brings free toys.  Which is great and all except for one minor technicality –  we’re not Christian.  We’re Muslim.  In our house, Dec 25 usually just means we get to sleep in and you have to buy essentials early the day before because even the zombies at Walmart get the day off.

But try telling my kids that.  I wouldn’t know where to start.  Saying Santa only visits Christian homes makes him sound like a selective, prejudiced bastard, so that was out.

Before you tell me to haul my non conforming ass back to my own country, let me tell you that celebrating or not celebrating Christmas is not the issue here.  We respect all religions and to take part in the festivities of any holiday, be it Christmas or Diwali, would just mean more fun for us.  Besides, Muslims love Jesus just as much as Christians do.  I look forward to buying a little tree and sticking some presents underneath it, while telling my sons I texted Santa the code to our alarm system so he won’t set off the motion sensor.

The issue is that for my kids, Christmas is Cinderella and Eid her fat footed, big nosed sister.  No, we don’t celebrate Ramadan, just like you don’t celebrate November.  Eid is the name of the holiday and Ramadan is the the holy month that precedes it.  In the voting booths of kids brains everywhere, Christmas has taken a far lead over Eid, since one means presents and the other means a month of daily food deprivation.  Clear winner here.  This isn’t the presidential election of 2000.

In an effort to make the holiday more appealing to kids, my husband and his college friends once thought up a character by the name of Eid Saeed.  A Muslim Santa Clause.  I don’t know what they were smoking when they did it.  Eid Saeed would shake things up for the holiday, all right.  The idea of a Muslim guy who enters U.S. air space by magic and goes into people’s homes in the dead of night with a bag full of things you can’t see is definitely going to excite people.  Especially the authorities.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!  I really don’t have any solution to the aforementioned problem so that’s right, I’m just going to leave things hanging.  We already make Eid an occasion more  enjoyable for our kids than visiting Disney World.  I’m not going to fly Mickey Mouse out here now, too, because his ginormous rodent ass only travels first class.